Why Should You Ignore a Toddler’s Tantrum

Navigating the turbulent waters of toddler tantrums is a rite of passage for parents. The age-old advice of ignoring tantrums is often touted as a remedy, yet the complexity of child behavior suggests a more nuanced approach. In this comprehensive guide, we unravel the intricacies of tantrums, exploring when ignoring may be effective and when it could be counterproductive.

The Illusion of Ignoring Tantrums

The assumption that ignoring tantrums universally quells disruptive behavior oversimplifies the multifaceted nature of these episodes. While it may work for some children, the effectiveness is contingent on various factors, including the child’s emotional regulation capabilities, the context of the tantrum, and the type of tantrum displayed.

When Ignoring Tantrums Can Be a Good Idea

1. Discouraging Attention-Seeking Behavior

Proponents of ignoring tantrums argue that denying attention disrupts the cycle of attention-seeking behavior. This can be effective when a child’s tantrum is a strategic bid for attention or a means of manipulation.

2. Creating Space for Calmness

In scenarios where a child demonstrates emotional control and manageable tantrums, ignoring can provide the necessary space and time for the child to self-regulate. This sets the stage for a more productive discussion later on.

3. Contextual Understanding

Ignoring tantrums is most beneficial when parents accurately gauge their child’s emotional competence. Unfortunately, studies reveal that parents often overestimate their children’s ability to handle strong emotions, emphasizing the need for mindful parenting.

When Ignoring Tantrums Can Be a Bad Idea

1. Tantrums as Developmental Milestones

Acknowledging tantrums as a normal part of child development is crucial. Children, especially those with reactive temperaments, lack the coping skills to deal with intense emotions. Ignoring such tantrums denies them the necessary guidance and support for emotional regulation.

2. Negative Messages and Emotional Suppression

Ignoring tantrums can inadvertently convey the message that expressing negative emotions is undesirable. This may lead to emotional suppression, a maladaptive coping mechanism linked to adverse emotional, cognitive, and social outcomes.

3. Lack of Coping Tools

Children often lack the skills to cope with disappointment when their needs aren’t met. Ignoring tantrums without offering coping tools leaves them feeling helpless and frustrated, hindering their emotional development.

Effects of Parents Ignoring Tantrums

1. Stigmatizing Negative Emotions

Ignoring tantrums fosters a belief that negative emotions are unacceptable, promoting emotional suppression. Regular emotional suppression correlates with increased depression, anxiety, cognitive impairment, and negative health outcomes.

2. Lack of Empathy and Understanding

A cold indifference towards a child’s emotional distress perpetuates the misconception that someone in distress should be ignored. This denies children the empathy and understanding essential for healthy emotional development.

3. Frustration from Lack of Guidance

Children faced with ignored tantrums receive the message that their behavior is unacceptable without being provided tools to cope. This lack of guidance results in frustration and a sense of helplessness.

4. Missed Experiential Learning Opportunities

By consistently ignoring tantrums, children are deprived of opportunities to learn experientially. The natural cycle of moving through emotions, experiencing them fully, and returning to a state of calm is disrupted, hindering emotional growth.

How to Handle a Tantrum Without Ignoring

1. Teaching Emotional Regulation

View tantrums as learning opportunities. Instead of focusing solely on stopping the tantrum, prioritize teaching children appropriate ways to manage stress. Be a role model, exhibit calmness, and provide a safe space for emotional expression.

2. Setting Boundaries

Establish clear boundaries while attending to a child’s distress. This ensures that care is provided without reinforcing negative behavior. Encourage children to express their feelings within acceptable limits.

3. Co-Regulation and Emotional Development

Recognize tantrums as moments for co-regulation, where you guide your child through the process of managing emotions. Engaging with your child during a tantrum, when done constructively, fosters emotional development.


In conclusion, the advice to ignore tantrums is not a one-size-fits-all solution. Understanding the intricacies of your child’s emotional landscape, developmental stage, and the nature of tantrums is essential. While ignoring may work for some, engaging constructively and providing guidance is often the key to nurturing emotionally resilient children.

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